Last Chance
by ilovedegrassi7
Summary: Clare changed who she was after the horrible break up with her ex boyfriend, KC Guthrie. What is her secret, and what happend to her? Will someone be able to help her through it all? Will be an Eclare story.
1. What Doesn't Kill Me

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The white, cold, and fragile tile lay underneath me. I spread my hands out on the tile, my delicate fingertips feeling the creases, the cracks, and just the little imperfections in the tile. My comfortable, warm, and inviting bed wasn't enough anymore. I lay against the tile on my back, the cold seeped into my skin, and Goosebumps were noticeable. The ceiling didn't have anything special to look at, but my eyes couldn't stay away. It was blank, just like me. Frustrated, hot, and unwanted tears fell from the corner of my eyes. Depression was the word to describe who I was, now. An unwelcomed hole formed in the base of my chest. Every minute of every day, the hole grew, and grew, and grew. Breathing wasn't as easy as before. Holding the secret that changed me, tore me a part, I couldn't save myself from…myself. A few short months ago, I wasn't like this. Laughter, innocence, and smiles completed my life. My eyes closed tightly, as I remembered what I use to be…

_The sounds of continuous typing filled the room. That's all I did, was write. It was my passion. It what was I lived for. What I'd always wanted to do. Little short stories here and there, along with poems, poems that were written directly from the feelings of my soul, my innocent, and saint Clareish soul._

_A brief laughter left my lips as I read the instant message from my current boyfriend, K.C._

_Kcguth: I figured your affair was with your laptop._

_Clarebear: My laptop caters to all my needs, unlike my boyfriend. ;)_

_Kcguth: …. _

_Clarebear: Don't be gross, K.C._

_Kcguth: ;)_

_Clarebear: I'm about to sign off from you being a perv, say I won't. :D_

_Kcguth: you won't. You wouldn't dare._

_I clicked the arrow down button, clicking the "sign off" button. It signed me off the chat, a slight smirk formed on my lips. I waited a few minutes before signing back on, just a little tease for him. I signed back in, while waiting to hear the noise of an instant message from KC, or anything. I continued with my paper. It was an essay for a writing competition. I was determined to win. _

_Kcguth: Clare Edwards has a wild side, oooo._

_His sarcasm could be felt through the words. A smile was on my lips as I messaged back._

_Clarebear: I'm a real badass._

_Kcguth: Saint Clare used the word ass. What has the world come to?_

_I rolled my eyes at his message. Being called Saint Clare all the time at school, grew to an annoying point. The name was true, but that's beside the point._

_Clarebear: The world has come to jerks like you._

_Kcguth: hurtful with your words tonight, Clare._

_Clarebear: This essay is calling me; I'll talk to you later._

_I signed back off the chat, before completely closing off my ties with the social networking. I checked Face range, to see the latest on…anything. I didn't check it that often; I wasn't one for getting into drama. I clicked on KC's page, and analyzed it. Comments can either be private or public on Face Range, I think I discovered a comment that was meant to be private, but it was public. A blonde, pretty, and skinny girl commented on one of his statues, the status read, "Can't get her off my mind." The comment left by the girl was, "Can't get you off my mind, either. Having an affair is hot." _

_The comment was posted a few minutes ago, I refreshed the page to see if he responded, but by the time it refreshed her comment vanished, I couldn't believe my eyes. I never thought he'd cheat on me. Tears ran down my red cheeks, my cheeks were embarrassed by what a fool I was. I quickly closed out of his page and couldn't proceed on my essay. Thanks a lot, K.C. Guthrie._

That wasn't the secret; it was the start of something I didn't think would become a secret. Why tell it all now?

That stupid alarm clock noise filled the room. Even the noise didn't move me. My eyes still were concentrated on the ceiling. Sophomore year, the first day was today. I'd be going to school looking like a zombie. The usual Degrassi kids should be used to that. That's how I looked through my last month of freshman year. I lost…everything.

My hands pressed against the tile. I pushed myself off the ground, and back onto my feet. Lightly, I let out a sigh. Did it matter what I dressed in? Nothing would change the negative mood I had towards the new school. Sure, it was a fresh start, but starting fresh with no one? Was harder than it seemed, my best friend, Alli transferred to an all-girls school, leaving me stranded in the hallways of hell at Degrassi.

A new face would be nice. A person who didn't know what happened to me last year. Someone I didn't need to share, or speak to my past about, someone who just wanted to know who I was now, that'd be asking for too much, now wouldn't it?


	2. Makes Me Stronger

I didn't bother with the choice of clothing. Whatever I first saw was what I put onto my body. It ended up being a long jean skirt, with a purple top. Simple, and not over thought, or thought of at all, really. I covered the dark circles underneath my baby blue eyes with light make up, I didn't like make up as much as other girls, but I was desperate for it, right now.

Nothing seemed worse than having to go to the school that taunted me for the last month of my freshman year. The cruel fates of some people were shown to me. I rolled my eyes at my annoying thoughts, and walked myself to school. The Degrassi doors were staring me in the face, laughing at me, and telling me I couldn't handle this. Those doors were right…

There he was…KC Guthrie, the reasoning for all this doubt I had in myself. I'm never letting another guy in my life like I had with KC, it wasn't worth the risk. I closed my eyes for a brief moment as I let in a deep breath, letting it out slowly as I could. When my eyes reopened, _he _was staring me right in the face. He had some nerve to try and talk to me.

"Clare." That's all he managed to say, usually, I'd be mature about this. Have a small chat, pretend like I was face, but I wasn't letting him in. My shoulder was reading to dig into his, as I pushed past him. My new look probably appealed to him, he probably wanted to tear me down, I probably looked ok, and he wasn't fine with that. My hair was shorter and curly. Also, I ditched my glasses.

If he thought that talking to me at any point this year would be ok, I'd have to stand him corrected. I brushed a little strand of hair behind my ear. It didn't stay behind it for long. My hair was too short, but I adored the luscious curls it made. The little folded piece of paper in my back pocket fell out behind me. Obviously, I couldn't hear paper hit the floor.

I didn't have mighty dog ears. I wish I did. That way I'd at least sound interesting. A finger lightly tapped me on the shoulder, my fist clinched. If it was KC, I think I would actually punch him in the face at this moment; I turned around to unfamiliar face. He was in black skinny jeans, a gray Dead Hand t-shirt, a black jacket, combat boots, and a guitar pick necklace. He had guy liner, and his hair was pitch black. His style was intriguing.

He placed a folded note in my hand, it was my schedule. "Next time, leave your paper out of my way." A light sideways smirk formed on his lips. He walked off before I had the chance to thank him for returning this important paper to me. A smile was visible on my lips, as I watched him walk away. At least, there is a new kid at Degrassi, someone who didn't know who I was…that's all I wished for.


	3. Bleeding Love

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I turned my head slightly to look in the direction over my shoulders. Stupid KC Guthrie was just waiting to talk to me, or waiting for me to look him in his evil eyes. It wasn't going to happen. Last year, we did enough talking. Enough talking to last a lifetime. All the words that were spoken, weren't nice, or easier to hear, but easy to say. I let out a sigh, a sigh that needed an escape. It built up inside of me. A lot of anger was built up inside of me. I brushed aside my thoughts and proceeded to the first class of my sophomore year.

It was English class, an 11th grade English class. I was advanced into after my performance in my class last year. I was above the English minds in my graduating class. It'd be nice to know I wouldn't have this class with KC. I arrived before any other students did. I tended to do that. That was the nerdy side of me. I hated being late, or almost late to a class. I prefer to get there early. When I walked into the classroom, the teacher was sitting at her desk. A greeted her with a sweet smile. "Are you Clare Edwards?" She asked.

At that moment, I felt like a celebrity, or something. "Yes." I said with a smile still contained on my face. "The English teacher from last year, informed me I'd have one of the most brilliant writers in the 10th grade, possibly the whole school. I read your essays, and they were all amazing. I'll be expecting a lot from you this year, Clare. I'm Mrs. Dawes, by the way." I liked her already. I could feel that I would learn something from her.

"I won't let you down." As I spoke those words, the students started to pile in. All the seats were filled except for the one directly in front of me. It made me wonder if someone was supposed to fill that desk, or if I'd have a blank desk in front of me, the rest of the year. Moments later, right as the bell was ringing. That sarcastic dark guy from earlier sat in the only empty seat. A small burst of excitement was developing in my stomach. It'd be nice to know that I sort of know someone in this class.

"We currently have two 10th graders in this class that are advanced in their writing skills. Clare Edwards and Adam Torres." Adam Torres? That name didn't seem familiar. Possibly another new face for me to meet? I glanced over to the guy sitting to the right of me. His clothes were too big for him, and he wore a hat over his short cut hair. A smiled in his direction, and he smiled back, shyly.

For a moment, I was feeling happy for being away from my problems, but then that hole. That hole stung back into my chest, making me feel the pain. I wasn't ok, and I wasn't sure that I'd ever be ok again. I tried to concentrate on Mrs. Dawes speaking, but I couldn't. I was unable. My fist clinched, and my jaw tightened. My teeth were grinding against each other. Why did I have to be so angry…all the time?

"Clare, I want you to work with Eli and Adam for the Romeo and Juliet project. Two options, write a script and act it out, or write an essay." Those words broke my scattered thoughts, along with the anger that was building up, and waiting to be unleashed. I raised my hand. "Do we have to stick to the casual storyline of Romeo and Juliet, or can we work together to show how we see Romeo and Juliet?" Right now, I wasn't into the stupid love story. The fact that Juliet and Romeo killed themselves for each other was ignorant. They didn't know each other well enough to love. I always hated the story, even whenever I was all about romance.


	4. Breathe Me

"Either one, but I would love it, if you guys showed me how you viewed Romeo and Juliet. Makes it more interesting." I liked the way Mrs. Dawes thought. She was open to ideas and didn't shoot them down like most teachers. I didn't even know who Eli was. I knew he was my other partner besides Adam. I figured he had to be the guy sitting in front of me…or at least I hoped. For some reason, his mysteriousness intrigued me in ways I hadn't experienced before. His green eyes turned around to look at me.

His expression concerned me; he didn't look too pleased that he had to work with me. "This project is stupid." He spat underneath his breath. He made sure to keep it quiet from the teacher, but load enough for me to hear. I wasn't going to agree out loud. Instead, I decided to be a smartass, like he was with me this morning. "Is that your laziness talking?" I tried to mimic the smirk he gave me earlier, but I couldn't do it as well as he could.

A chuckle left his lips, showing all his teeth. He had a small gap between his two front teeth. "Normally, I'd give tips on sarcasm, but you'd be too hard to teach." When he spoke to me, he sounded annoyed. Like, he wanted me to think he couldn't stand me. I knew it was the exact opposite. Or at least, I secretly hoped it was the opposite. Then again, I don't need people in my life.

That was my wish, but I almost want to take it back. Developing a friendship with my English partners meant that the past would be spoken of eventually. I couldn't talk about it. I just wanted someone to know me for who I am now, and forget the mistakes I made. My clever response wasn't coming out of my mouth. I couldn't think of one.

"Script or essay?" I turned my attention to Adam, even though I was talking to the both of them. "Script." Adam spoke first; I turned my blue crystals back in Eli's direction. The fact that he was thinking about it this hard impressed me. He actually cared about his grade. He wasn't a slacker. "Script." I nodded my head in agreement. Writing scripts isn't what I was familiar with. That slight thought made me nervous.

"After school, meet me in front of this classroom, and we will go somewhere and start writing the script." Both their heads nodded and they turned their responsiveness back to Mrs. Dawes. This English project should be interesting. The pen in my hand dragged along the page in my journal. If I didn't doodle while listening, I didn't pay attention as well. It's a weird combination, but it works.

The bell rang, startling the thought process I had. I closed my journal and carried it out with my bag on my shoulder. Next two classes were a bummer. Lunch was the class period, I use to adore. I'd sit at the corner table in the café with Alli, Dave, Wesley, Connor, Hannah, and KC. We'd talk nerd, laugh, have fun, and enjoy the friendship we built as a group. Now, I was kicked out of the group. I sat by myself.

As I entered the café, my eyes stared at the filled tables. A flashback rushed back through me.

Flashback:

_His arm continued to stay wrapped around the base of my waist. It's like he was securing me by his side. Protecting me from the evil, I just loved the feeling of his warm arms around me. His lips met the base of my cheek. A sweet smile formed on my lips. _

"_I love you, Clare." He whispered in the softest tone into my ear, his breath sent chills down the base of my neck._

"_I love you, too." I said with my lips touching his, I kissed his lips in a slow and soft manner._

"_Quit being so gross!" Alli practically begged with the tone of her voice. She hated whenever KC and I were enjoying each other. _

"_Sorry, Mrs. Jealous." I teased Alli; Alli was one of the girls that needed a boyfriend to be happy. Her eyes rolled gracefully, as she let out the worlds' fakest laugh. _

_That is when Jenna Middleton bounced her bubbly cheerleader self to us. That girl…was venomous. I put on an act with her around. I didn't appreciate the gaze she held onto with KC's eyes. How could I NOT see what was going on? His arms always became a little less tight as soon as that blonde walked over to us. _

End of flashback:

Why do memories have to play like a movie? Why couldn't I just forget? I slammed my packed lunch on the table, the table of emptiness and sadness. It's official; I'm the Degrassi depressed girl. My arms lay awkwardly on the table, I laid my head on top of them, trying to hide my face from the world, and sleep was needed.

The tiredness was causing my eyelids to close shut. The moment I felt peace and my mind was clear. A lunch tray slammed on the table. I lifted my head, much anger was expressed in my eyes.


	5. Roll The Dice

**Thank you guys, SO MUCH. For the reviews, I have recently made a YouTube video promoting this story; I figured it'd add a little spice to my story. Here is the link:** **.com/watch?v=TS2v5gj_Brg Anyway, I want to thank you all again for the reviews, as someone who wants to be a writer, it's amazing to know that story has been a success so far!**

"Did you forget your Twilight book at home?" His sarcasm pierced through his lips. I figured he was trying to think of a reason that I was pissed off. It's amazing what flashbacks could do to a person's mood. I let out an unpleased groan at his comment. "No, but I did leave the jerk slamming his lunch tray on the table article at home." His eyes shined slightly brighter than normal. He enjoyed that dry sarcasm of mine?

My arms gently moved back towards my sides. As I was completely disturbed from the rest I was planning to have a few minutes either. He ignored what I said, placing himself down beside me. "Just because we are English partners doesn't mean you can sit with me." Normally, I'd be inviting to a new friend, I'd be excited for it. I asked for this, why did I insist on pushing everyone away?

"I do what I want. Your approval doesn't matter." He said, forming that insanely perfect smirk on his sarcastic lips. A small laugh came from my direction, I tried to hide the fact that I found him funny, but he heard my laughter. "That's obvious." I muttered underneath my breath. We sat in silence for a moment, it wasn't awkward, why wasn't it awkward?

"Any ideas for our script?" I wondered if he had put any thought into what the idea could be. It needed to be dark, mysterious, inviting, and realistic. Portraying Romeo and Juliet in a different light than the familiar one was slightly challenging. "I few Romeo and Juliet as a powerful message that love conquers all." I liked his choice of words. It's just with the past I had. Love wasn't something I truly believed in anymore.

The three fatal words that any person in the world waited to hear was a disappointment. It was overused and barely ever meant. As I thought of how I'd explain my few on love. KC taunted me by walking in front my lunch table a few times. In fact, he was pacing, as he stared me directly in the face. Did he want me to care?

I didn't care. I didn't care to anything involving stupid KC Guthrie. He broke me a part, I didn't owe him shit. His venomous eyes stared deep into mine. No matter how much I tried to break the gaze, my head wouldn't move…not even an inch. Until Eli's dark voice spoke to me. Breaking me from the hard concentration I had on KC. Thank god for Eli.

He could probably tell I wasn't ok, my face was showing it all. "Get out of your fantasy world, Clare. Focus on our script, that'd be helpful." Every word out of his mouth was pure sarcasm. Was he ever serious? "I see Romeo and Juliet as a love story that wasn't love. Before, Romeo met Juliet, he was clearly in love with another girl, and one small glance at Juliet, and the other was completely forgotten about. What about the other girl? Imagine how she felt knowing that Romeo just forgets about everything they were…" After a moment, I realized I wasn't talking about Shakespeare's romantic tragedy. The pain of what happened to me was being compared to the characters.

I tried to bite my lip, to prevent other words from spilling out, but I couldn't stop. "How did Romeo even know that he was actually in love with Juliet? His feelings were obvious never in the right place. He unloved the other girl within a second, how is that possible? How can you go to bed loving someone and wake up the next morning, and change your mind? It's NOT POSSIBLE."

The last words weren't meant to be shouted, but I couldn't stop myself. Before, I let Eli speak; embarrassment struck my cheeks as I darted out of the cafeteria. Looking back would be a mistake; I didn't need to see all those eyes on me. I couldn't believe I ranted about my past, of course Eli wouldn't know that, but that's exactly what I tried to avoid.

This stupid project was interfering with the plan I had. Talking of the past was supposed to be forever avoided. Why wasn't I sticking to the plan? Why did I feel desperate to rant about my feelings? I shook my head as I leaned against the icy cold white painted wall. My eyes briefly closed, I was trying to collect my thoughts. "Clare, talk to me." It was KC's voice…

"I have nothing to say to you, KC. The fact that you think I do is surprising. Don't you think we did enough talking last year? I'm done talking to you. I'm done with you, KC. Haven't you put me through enough already? Can't you just LEAVE ME ALONE?" For once, the loud scream at the end of my rant was meant to happen. "I can't leave it alone, Clare. I feel like a complete asshole." My eyes rolled heavily as I stared at the sympathy on his face. I'm not falling for his crap.

"Are you expecting me to feel sorry for you? You deserve to feel like an asshole, considering you are one." This was a side of myself I've never experienced. Being mean to a person usually wasn't what I was known for. In fact, I found being rude was pointless, but anger was built inside of me for too long. He was the perfect person to unleash it on. "I'm sorry for everything, Clare."

I shook my head, trying to avoid my mind from actually believing his words. "I don't care to hear your apology. I just don't care anymore." I placed my hand on the base of his chest, pushing him softly out of my way. I stormed towards the Degrassi doors. Skipping school wasn't a normal thing for me either, but it was the only option I had right now. Before, leaving out, I heard Eli's voice calling out for me. I wonder if he heard the confrontation.


	6. Days Are Long

"Is Clare Edwards about to skip school?" For an odd reason, that slight comment made me smile. He viewed me as the Christian girl, I use to be. "Not if you shout it out in principal's ear shot." A devious smirk formed on his lips. His green eyes glanced to his right, then to his left. Without a thought, his sharpie marker painted fingers were tightening around my wrist. He rushed me out of the school, no one even noticed. Except that evil witch, KC.

"Have a spot for us to go? I figure you skip a lot." I laughed at my own joke. I didn't even get a smile out of him. "Your judging hurts." He said as his hand was placed over his heart. The way he pretended that he was offended, made me smile. That smirk appeared on his face again. My eyes rolled in a fast motion. I couldn't come up with a witty come back. I just let my hands go up while my shoulders shrugged.

For a moment, I thought back to English class earlier. I let false hope fill the room when I told Mrs. Dawes she would get nothing but the best from me. My laptop hasn't been touched for mouths. I didn't writer anymore, I couldn't. I lost all inspiration. I had nothing. I was nothing now, or at least it felt that way. I could feel Eli's eyes on me, like he was waiting for me to speak.

"Staring isn't polite." I said with a fake smile. I couldn't collect my thoughts right now. The fact that I couldn't write anymore would be hard to explain to my English partners. It'd involve bringing up the past. I didn't want that. "To be honest, I've had writers block for months." That was enough of explanation, rather 'explain' now instead of later. That way whenever I was staring at a blank white page watching the icon blink, waiting for letters to typed, I could avoid explaining it then.

His eyebrow raised in suspicion. Or at least, it appeared that way. All his expressions look suspicious, cocky, sarcastic, and Eli. If that last one makes sense. "Now, my plan is ruined. I was going to rely on you to write the entire script." I shook my head at his comment, he had the perfect comebacks. Most kept me absolutely speechless. How could I respond to such wit?

"Oh, my bad, looks like you actually have to work, oh no." That response was going to be merely unfunny compared to what he would say next. "You're an odd one, Clare Edwards." I'm…I'm the odd one? I must have been. That was coming for a dark, sarcastic, death obsessed, mysterious, and hearse driving guy. "Indeed I am."

I scavenged around in Eli's bag, searching for a piece of paper. "Damn it, Clare. Do you always look through people's things?" I ignored his comment. I had a little thought for the script was floating in my mind. I had to write it down before it slipped away. I started to write away on the paper.

"Juliet questions her decision on faking her death to be with Romeo, she is unsure that the love they share is true. What if after she convinces her family that she is gone, Romeo decides that he doesn't want her anymore? He could fall for another girl along the way. Was faking my death, and losing my family worth the feelings for one guy? What if he wasn't even the one? What if he cheated on me?" I finished writing and turned my paper in Eli's eye sight.

I wanted his honest opinion on that idea. I'd love to portray Juliet's doubts in the film. That's how it should have been in the story. How could she just decide to give it all up without a single doubt? "Brilliant, Clare, brilliant! Portraying the doubts of Juliet's decision will be an excellent addition to how we view the story."


	7. Too Much Hurt

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The weakest smile was expressed on my face. Pure excitement fluttered inside of me, but I couldn't show it. How much he did expect out of me? I already had the thought of Mrs. Dawes on my mind. Her expectations were causing very much anxiety. If I didn't have the feel for writing, or the inspiration, how could I write something…brilliant? For a moment, I tried to shake those thoughts.

I started appreciating that I met Eli. At times, when I was with him, I wasn't thinking about KC, or my past drama. I was just focusing on the now. I liked focusing on the now. Letting go of my past is something I needed to focus on. It's just…every time I tried, I couldn't, but that didn't mean I would give up easily.

"In this script, we have to portray the love shared in the characters in a short period of time. How can we do that?" I asked, trying to think of an idea to contribute. Nothing was coming to mind. Jealously was a word to describe how I felt. I just knew that Eli was thinking of an endless amount of ideas. Ideas that would either amaze me, or freak me out.

"Romeo notices Juliet walking across the room. He places his hand over his heart; a warm smile appears on his face. As he stares at her in amazement, like she was the most amazing thing his eyes have been placed on." While Eli explained his brilliance, his dark shade of green eyes gazed into mine. His eyes showed all the passion built inside of him. His hands moved in the motion he was speaking in.

I could tell from the brightening smile on his face that writing was his passion, also. He adored the dark twisted souls of plays. His passion reminded me of the passion I had last year. I envied his passion; I wanted that passion back into my soul. Why couldn't I have it anymore? "Brilliant idea, brilliant."

Eli brought along a small bag, I wasn't sure that was in it, until right now. It was a small black laptop, with the sticks of Dead Hand and skulls all over it. A small laugh left my lips. It definitely looked like Eli's laptop. As he started to type away the first part to our script, I studied the rings on his fingers. A small skull ring rested on his middle finger. Without knowing, my fingertips gently touched the skull ring.

The minute my cold fingers touched his warming hands, his typing stopped. I distracted him. "Sorry for blocking the creativity, I like your ring." My blue crystals stared directly at his lips that were forming into his normal smirk. He turned back towards his masterpiece and started to write away again. That reminded me of what I was a short few months ago.

Flashback:

_Always typing, if I wasn't typing, I was reading or spending time with my boyfriend, KC. Tonight was a little special night. KC had a date in store, a date I didn't know anything about, it was a surprise. I thought it was a cute idea. I knew I wouldn't be disappointed. I typed the last of my sentence, saving the successful progress I made. My phone started to ring, I quickly answered it after noticing it was KC calling._

"_Hello?" I answered, and excitement was very noticeable in my voice._

"_Meet me at my house, that's where the date is happening." I let out an excited squeal after what he said. I didn't have anything to say, so I hung up the phone. Not knowing what to expect was scary, but exciting. I glanced at myself in the mirror a last time. I was satisfied with the way I looked; hopefully KC would be, too. _

_Walking to his house was always my option. I lived only a few houses down from him. My nerves were high as I was inches away from knocking on his door. My small graceful hand balled into untight fist as I knocked on the door. He swung the door open, with a very bright grin on his face. He pulled me into his house by taking my hand. _

_As I stepped inside the house, candles were lighting the room. A fresh batch of cookies was being cooked in the kitchen. KC Guthrie was being…romantic? The slight sight amused me. A smile appeared on my face as his lips pressed against mine for a short time. He pulled away and led me into his bedroom, where a small picnic was set up on the floor. It was very sweet. Soft jazz music was playing from his radio, such a perfect sound for the moment._

_That night…that night, KC Guthrie expressed his love for me. I told him I loved him back, and we kissed, that kiss turned into something unexpected, and something I'll always regret._

_His lips were pressed against mine. I loved the taste. I couldn't pull away, it was inviting. His t-shirt was off, I hadn't even noticed, till I felt his chest against my bare hands. I was about to make love to KC, and I wasn't stopping it. I was ready to let him take my virginity; we were dating for two years. It was time to feel connected to him in that special way. Little did I know at the time, that after that amazing night with KC. I'd find out that KC was also having sex with Jenna. I wasn't first, like he told me I was…how could I be so stupid?_

End of Flashback:

The rush of the feelings of that flashback was causing my chest to hurt. I couldn't handle being here with Eli right now. If I stayed, I'd dish about my stupid past, I didn't want to do that. I placed my bag over my shoulder and started to walk over, without even looking back, even when he called out my name.


	8. So Lonely and So Sad

Stupid me...why couldn't I relax for a moment? Why did every little thing bring me back to a memory? Why couldn't I be happy? I felt disgusting thinking back to that night. I was vulnerable and stupid that night. That moment constantly replays in my mind. The shock expressed on my face when I realized KC didn't only sleep with Jenna behind my back; he liked about his virginity, and also ended up with a pregnant current girlfriend.

I felt worthless, confused, and angry. Why did I have to feel this way? Why couldn't KC feel this way? He deserves to feel less than how he feels. He was less than what he thought of himself. He was a horrible person, from the outside to the inside. Nothing good came from KC. Or at least, that's how I viewed him. If I could go back in time, change the events of that night, I would.

This constant regret wasn't a pleasurable feeling. I was lonely and sad. It's weird how events in a life can change someone…so much. I never thought I'd let a guy tear me a part, but is that the case here? Or, was the hurt of trusting and loving someone for two years to figure out they weren't worth trusting at all? Is it the lack of faith in people? Is it the trust issues I've developed? Is it over losing a best friend? Is it all the lies spread about me? Is it the constant lies I heard? Is it that I lost myself so much that I couldn't write anymore? Was it everything?

Images of the look I knew Eli had on his face. Confused to what was wrong with me. The raise of his eyebrow as he thinks of all the oddness of me. Why I stare at nothing, have random outbursts, look like I'm lost, and just not express myself. I wasn't the best at friendships after first impressions anymore. After our brief meeting, I started acting impractical, the same impractical I've been acting all summer.

For a passing moment, I did want to turn around. I did want to tell Eli everything. In fact, telling anyone that would comfort me is what I needed. I just…couldn't. My pace started to pick up, until his fingers were wrapped around the center of my arm, pulling me back in his direction. He couldn't see my face…tears were falling. Tears I didn't want to explain. So much of my life was bottled in the smallest jar.

"You and Adam are in charge of this script. I can't think of anything to write about. I'm wasting your time by just watching you write." All these words left my lips, as I avoided turning towards his face. I yanked my arm away from his grip and let the words linger as I walked away from the situation. Until his voice spoke, catching me off guard, I thought after what I said, he wouldn't have anything to say.

"You don't make sense, Clare. You were just giving me little ideas moments ago. What the hell is wrong with you?" I didn't enjoy that question, only because I couldn't answer. In ways, I knew what caused me to act the way I did, but I didn't fully known what was wrong with me. Maniac depression, anxiety, or broken heart syndrome. Could be anything that would define me as a lunatic.

"I don't know, Eli. Just let me go." The seriousness of my voice even caught me off guard.

"No, I'm not going to." This boy just wouldn't quit.

"I don't want to talk about anything. I just want to go…" Before I could finish the rest of my sentence, he managed to turn me around, forcing me to stare into his green eyes with my blue as the ocean eyes. I wanted to stop his motives, but I couldn't. I was frozen. His fingers unleashed from my arms as they crept on to my waist, he was sweet and slow about it. Like he was making sure I wouldn't object. After a second, he pulled me into a hug. A hug I've been needed. A hug that let me know I'd be ok, but even that wasn't enough. I started to pull away, objecting to something I craved. What is wrong with me?


	9. Can You Feel The Power?

His muscles tensed whenever I broke away. If only he understood why the touch of comfort frightening me, even if it was what I wanted. "You're great, Eli." I whispered softly, before I turned my head away in shame. My feet never moved so fast. I didn't want him to catch up with me this time. Alone time is what I needed. How could I face him tomorrow? I'm sure he was thinking I had a mental disorder.

I couldn't kid myself…I was starting to believe it too. My emotions remained on a twisted rollercoaster. Each little twist in the tracks revealed another secret buried underneath the unsolved mystery of who I was…am. Focusing on reaching the level of creativity and passion I had towards writing was my main goal. The other was erasing all memories from my mind. Even if it involved the government…just kidding.

A perfect title to the start of a new story, that'd begin the start of the new me. 'A Sea of Uncrowded Faces.' A little confusion and misinterpretation was presented in this title. A title that described how I felt, in the oddest of ways, I couldn't explain it; I could only…feel it. The story could start off with a girl walking down the hallway, all the eyes on her, as she pleaded to just forget all their faces. Or at least the faces that never failed to embarrass her.

"_Brilliant, Clare, brilliant." _Those words repeated in my head…that was a memory, I wouldn't mind keeping. The encouraging words of Eli, if I continued to let those words play out in my mind, I might get over the longest writers block. My laptop was craving my fingers to press violently against its keys, as the ideas I haven't had in months flowed in my brain, all at one time. I couldn't separate ideas anymore.

The blinking curser on the empty white page was taunting me again. Seconds ago, I couldn't stop the process of what to write. A sudden thought floated in my mind. A thought I scared of having. Eli, I needed Eli to get over my writers block…it was perfectly clear to me, now. I couldn't develop my passion back without letting someone in, and that someone was…Eli.

I hadn't known Eli for that long, but I believed in the quote, "Everything happens for a reason." Eli came into my life, and the reason was starting to be clear, or at least, I think this was the reason. My fingers dialed numbers nervously, what if he had enough of my little episodes tonight? My heart started fluttering uncontrollably whenever I heard his voice. "This is going to sound insane, b-b-b…" He cut me off, adding a smart little remark. "You're already insane, Clare."

A laugh left from my lips. "ANYWAY," I shouted in a joking manner. "Would you mind coming over? Working on the script is what I need. I'm sorry for blowing you off earlier; I'm just dealing with a lot. I'll call Adam, invite him, too." I started to click the end button, when I heard his voice shouting. "Wait, Clare. Don't call Adam, he was just at my house, working on the play, he just left, I'll let him have a break. I'll come over by myself."

"See you soon." I said right before clicking the button that ended the phone call. I placed my cell phone off to the side. Away from my working area. Phones were distracting; I was trying to avoid being distracted. I left the blank document on the screen on my computer. My eyes couldn't quit staring in disappointment at how much I let myself fall onto the ground. I couldn't pick myself up. I wanted to, so much. I was tired of being less than what I use to be.

Should I make us something to eat? I was forcing him over to my house late at night. Or did he already have dinner with his functional family? Was he thirsty, tired, or annoyed? What if he just couldn't wait to get this project over with, so he didn't have to deal with me anymore? These questions were invading my mind, until the doorbell rang. I didn't bother checking myself in the mirror; I knew I didn't look too pleasing.

My evening outfit consisted of sweat pants, sweat shirt, socks, and my hair in a messy ponytail. The perfect comfortable wear, I wouldn't want it any other way. I swung the door open, staring Eli directly in the face. I couldn't help but notice his eyes check out every little part of my outfit. A slight snicker left his lips, he thought it was quiet, but it wasn't. "Something funny, Elijah?" I said with a raise of an eyebrow, he hated whenever someone used his first name fully.

"You dressed up for me? I'm very flattered, and impressed. Goal accomplished." His lips formed into that perfect smirk…that smirk that would drive any girl insane, the good insane, of course. "Could you be more smug?" I said, letting the smallest smirk be shown. "Absolutely!" His hand raised in approval of what was being said. I shook my head as I opened the door wider, letting him enter. This was going to be a long night…


	10. We Will Keep Moving On

Why couldn't he already understand the way I felt? The discomfort I felt letting another person in? Or attempting to let another person in, the walk to my room was slightly awkward, but a comfortable awkward? If only that made sense, I couldn't explain what I meant…I just felt it. The blank screen remained on my screen from when I left the room. "That's how my writing has been the last couples of months."

I pointed to my laptop screen, referring to that. He stared at it for moments, like he was figuring out how to respond. "Why?" For some reason, I thought he'd be harassing with me a million questions at once. Before, trying to figure out how to answer this, I took a seat on my bed. I stared at the ground, the ground I spent nights on lately. Lying is what I had to do…I couldn't start to explain everything about KC, I'd sound pathetic…which I was…

"I'm in the Guinness World Records, for, 'The Girl with the Longest Writer's Block.' Haven't you heard of me?" Sarcasm was noticeable in my voice as I left a smirk form. "I've wanted to meet that girl, for personal reasons." He let out a chuckle; I started to stare at the blank screen, which represented what I was inside. "I want to contribute; I just can't think…I need inspiration. I had a story idea developed in my mind, I was exciting I was thinking again, but when I came home to start writing…it ended. I couldn't think again."

"I can help." Those words…hearing that is something I didn't know I had been waiting for. "How?" Without saying a word, Eli gently placed my hand in his, pulling me away from my bedroom and back down the stairs. "Where are we going?" I was a little caught off guard by his actions. "Trust me." Trusting a boy…I wasn't ready for that, but I decided not to object. After leaving out of the front door, we walked for a short while, wherever our destination was it wasn't too far from my house.

It was dark, and hard to tell what was around us, except for street lights, and random dog barks. Eli spoke, "Is little Clare scared?" He let out a proud chuckle. "Dream on." I said, running into the back up of him, I hadn't realized he put himself to a stop. "Welcome to my spot." His spot…that was his genius name? I wanted to laugh, but I decided not to. "Creepy, unsettling, and dark, perfect Eli hang out." My elbow nudged his arm playfully.

His cocked his head slowly in my direction, letting a satisfied smirk to break out. Apparently, he appreciated this spot, for the exact reasons I listed. "Reason for taking me here?" If this was supposed to flow my creative juices, I think it was working. I felt the need to write a horror story, about a girl who gets violently kidnapped in the middle of the night after sneaking out to meet her boyfriend. Question is could I remember the start of this story when it mattered?

"You needed it." With that said, Eli sat down, leaning against the trunk of a tree. I made a spot next to him, instead of sitting; I lay down on the green grass, enjoying the view of the stars. Nothing could compete to stars. Those green eyes couldn't quit staring at each inch of my face. "You're beautiful, Clare." Those were words I wasn't expecting to hear, especially out of Eli Goldsworthy. My eyes turned into a squint, as I stared directly in his eyes. "Thank you."

Taking the compliment was easy, understanding the reason it was said, was the difficult part. His fingertips brushed lightly against the form of my jawline. His fingers crept to the under lining part of bottom lip. After his fingers cupped around my cheek, his face leaned down towards mine, so close I couldn't see past his eyes. His forehead was touching the tip of mine, before he fully leaned against me. His lips crashed against mine. No…I couldn't do this…

My unpowerful hands tried to push his lips away; he pulled away, disappointment stricken in his eyes. Having to look at him, made aches in my heart. It's not that I didn't want to kiss Eli. It's just that…he didn't know the true me, and I couldn't trust him enough to show him. I couldn't trust men. I managed to break away from underneath him, "I'm sorry…I can't explain…" My words lingered as I walked off in a direction of uncertainty, after all he took me here. I didn't know how to get back home…shit…


	11. I'm Still Breathing

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Eli Goldsworthy just kissed my imperfect lips…and I just left. If I wasn't an official idiot, I should be now. I couldn't believe the events of the night. Was it a mistake to walk away from him..? Should I have kissed him back? It's not that I didn't have a crush on Eli Goldsworthy it's just…I couldn't mention my past, even I didn't like to hear myself talk about it. I wanted to forget it. Totally and completely forget it. Why couldn't I? Why did I want to tell Eli? I wasn't ready to close with someone again…was I?

I'll go back…and I'll tell him everything. I had to do this. If I wanted a relationship with Eli, I had to start with the truth. Let him understand the complications of me. After hearing it, he might not want to be with me. He might start to unlike me, but Eli doesn't seem like that kind of person. I held my head high, letting in a very deep breath; I turned myself around, walking in the path that I once ran away from. I could do this…I could do this…I continued to repeat to myself. I had to tell myself something; otherwise I wouldn't make it through this.

Eli Goldsworthy was a trustworthy person, right? Or at least he appeared that way. He was still sitting the same position as when I left him. His fingers were wrapped around the corner of the table and his face expressed disappointment. "Eli…" I said, softly, unsure of what to say next. He didn't speak; I didn't even receive the look of approval to continue talking. Turning back around seemed like a mistake at this point, the desire I had to tell him left my body. He wasn't ready to talk me, which was understandable. I practically rejected in the worse way possible.

It takes a lot of nerve to kiss someone and I just blew it off like it was nothing. Like that confidence he built up was for nothing. How could I be so cold hearted? Walking away was all I was good at lately, and here I was replaying the scene. Before, I could get too far, I felt Eli's fingers wrap around my small forearm, as he turned me around. "You know, Edwards? Rejection isn't fun." I liked that he tried to make a joke out of this situation, why did I want to laugh? "I didn't mean to reject you…I'm sorry if I led you on."

What? Why was I lying right now? Why couldn't I just tell him the truth? Why was that so complicated? Something is wrong with me. "It's alright, just known I'll get you back for that, Edwards." He smirked; his dry sarcasm was helping this situation. I wished he could see through my lying. "I'm shaking with terror." I said with a smirk forming on my face. I tried to smirk like Eli, but that was impossible. His smirk was one of a kind. Why couldn't I accept him into my life? Would I ever accept anyone?


End file.
